This is a mother🦆ing website.

Seriously, what the 🦆 else do you want?

You probably build websites and think your 💩 is special. You think your 13 megabyte parallax-ative home page is going to get you some 🦆ing Awwward banner you can glue to the top corner of your site. You think your 40-pound jQuery file and 83 polyfills give IE7 a 🍆 because it finally has box-shadow. Wrong, mother🦆er. Let me describe your perfect-🍑 website:

Well guess what, mother🦆er:

You. Are. Over-designing. Look at this 💩. It's a mother🦆ing website. Why the 🦆 do you need to animate a 🦆ing trendy-🍑 banner flag when I hover over that useless piece of 💩? You spent hours on it and added 80 kilobytes to your 🦆ing site, and some mother🦆er jabbing at it on their iPad with fat sausage fingers will never see that 💩. Not to mention blind people will never see that 💩, but they don't see any of your 💩ty 💩.

You never knew it, but this is your perfect website. Here's why.

It's 🦆ing lightweight

This entire page weighs less than the gradient-meshed facebook logo on your 🦆ing Wordpress site. Did you seriously load 100kb of jQuery UI just so you could animate the 🦆ing background color of a div? You loaded all 7 fontfaces of a 💩ty webfont just so you could say "Hi." at 100px height at the beginning of your site? You piece of 💩.

It's responsive

You dumb🍑. You thought you needed media queries to be responsive, but no. Responsive means that it responds to whatever mother🦆ing screensize it's viewed on. This site doesn't care if you're on an iMac or a mother🦆ing Tamagotchi.

It 🦆ing works

Look at this 💩. You can read it ... that is, if you can read, mother🦆er. It makes sense. It has mother🦆ing hierarchy. It's using HTML5 tags so you and your 🐶-🍑 browser know what the 🦆's in this 🦆ing site. That's semantics, mother🦆er.

It has content on the 🦆ing screen. Your site has three bylines and link to your dribbble account, but you spread it over 7 full screens and make me click some bobbing button to show me how cool the jQuery ScrollTo plugin is.

Cross-browser compatibility? Load this mother🦆er in IE6. I 🦆ing dare you.

This is a website. Look at it. You've never seen one before.

Like the man who's never grown out his beard has no idea what his true natural state is, you have no 🦆ing idea what a website is. All you have ever seen are 💩ty skeuomorphic bastardizations of what should be text communicating a 🦆ing message. This is a real, naked website. Look at it. It's 🦆ing beautiful.

Yes, this is 🦆ing satire, you 🦆

I'm not actually saying your 💩ty site should look like this. What I'm saying is that all the problems we have with websites are ones we create ourselves. Websites aren't broken by default, they are functional, high-performing, and accessible. You break them. You son-of-a-🐶.

"Good design is as little design as possible."
- some German mother🦆er


This is a SFW version of mother🦆 .